diary of an insomniac

the Heterosexual Problem

2008-08-01T22:00:00.009+08:00

For my preliminary exam in Specialized Writing 1: Historical and Cultural Writing, our professor asked us to do a paper about anything under the sun. It was a great opportunity, I’ve always wanted to write about Malate, Manila but the problem was I don’t have a clue on how to write it exactly.

Inspiration struck me, remembering the black book in Filipino hidden in my make-shift bookshelf, a book called Orosa-Nakpil, Malate (2006) by Louie Mar Gangcuangco. A topic appeared out of nowhere and I knew it was a winner, I’m going to write about the Philippine Gay Situation: Male Homosexuals in Malate.

I quickly run to the library and hit the Filipiniana bookshelves as soon as I opened the heavy metal and glass doors. Upon reading I came upon the name Danton Remoto.

I got in touch with Danton Remoto, the founder of Ang Ladlad, professor in Ateneo, and a columnist for Philippine Star and ABS-CBN online news, and scheduled an interview.

He advised me to read his book X-Factor: Tales Outside the Closet (1997) because he has essays about Malate in it.

I went through the book earlier today and I found this interesting article called Questions for the Heterosexual (1996) published in the Manila Times. And within this article is another article about pride and prejudice regarding Homosexuality which is very interesting.

Do You Need Treatment?

New Internationalist issue 201 – November 1989

Gay people get asked some pretty strange questions. Often this is because their interrogators have a narrow, strictly heterosexual view of what is 'normal'. NI turns the tables and asks heterosexual people some strange questions too.

What do you think is the cause of your heterosexuality?
When did you first realize you might be heterosexual?
Have you told your parents? What do they think about it?
Are there others like you in your family?
Would you say that you had an inadequate mother or father figure?
Don’t you think your heterosexuality might be a phase you are going through?
Are you afraid of members of your own sex?
Isn’t it possible that what you need is a good gay lover?
What do you actually do in bed?
You put what where?
But how can people of the opposite sex really please each other when there are such vast emotional and biological differences between them?
Although society gives considerable support to the institution of marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
Is it because heterosexuals are promiscuous?
There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Have you considered aversion therapy?
Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual activities?
Why do you insist on making such a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can’t you just keep quiet about it?
More than 90 percent of child molesters are heterosexuals. Would you feel comfortable about entrusting your children’s education to heterosexual teachers?
Why do people like you emphasize the heterosexual qualities of famous people such as film stars? Is it because you need to validate your own condition?
Penetrative sex is most common among heterosexual couples. Aren’t you worried about the risk of getting AIDS?
If everybody were heterosexual like you, what would you think would happen to the world’s population? Don’t you think it is unreasonable and irresponsible of you to insist on sleeping with people of the opposite sex?

What if normal is associated with the term homosexuality? What if heterosexuals are put in the spot and are bombarded with questions about their sexuality, just like what the article suggested? What if heterosexuality is the third sex?

That’s how it would feel to be in our shoes. Homophobia is the defense mechanism of the old fashioned, people who don’t allow new ideas to penetrate their minds even if it’s staring them at the face.

So next time, before you ask me why am I like this, go ask yourself: why are you like that?

Pinoy Gay Blogs

2008-06-29T09:45:00.004+08:00

I found this cool website which aims to bring together Filipino gay bloggers by linking one another, hosted by manilagayguy.com. It's a great idea because I've been looking for gay blogs for a very long time now, out of interest and curiosity. With the emergence of this site, I patched up all of my posts from my different unused blogs (mostly from multiply) and resurrected my blogger once again.

I hope to be a part of this wonderful community. Keep up the good work!

My friend's comments

2008-06-29T09:40:00.001+08:00

A Flower in a Foodie's World

When you call a guy, who's in the presence of 7 girls, the rose among thorns, you'd know the world has indeed been turned upside down. I think he'll relish the fact that we've been blogging about him since he's a self-proclaimed "attention whore" but it can't be avoided when you feel like your seeing the " greener grass on the other side" so to speak.

Picture this...

After an exhausting, never ending and extremely boring class, you find a group of friends heading off into the night for a quick bite. You have seven girls and two guys, one who's always been part of the group and another who recently started to join them for meals. Everyone starving and itching for some Japanese food offered by the newly built Tokyo Tokyo inside the campus.

It was 8:30 in the evening. A perfect time to hit the usual jam packed restaurant because there was a long table that could accommodate the group who talks way too much and laughs way too loud. I believe they have effectively overpowered the stereo system that tried to blast out Arashi's Love So Sweet.

It was a typical night for the group of friends who'd unwittingly switch on fangirl talks and occasionally let real life conversations interrupt the talk about who's been carrying her favorite idol's picture in her bag (half of them do, the author of this blog included :D).

"How much would we spend at Binondo tomorrow? I'm bringing the boyfriend."

As this blog owner's father told her, they're foodies, always on the hunt for the next restaurant to spend tons of money on and pig out like it wasn't anyone's business. This month it was Binondo, a trip that has been postponed for months. The question valid and the request reasonable. But what if within that group of friends the one uttering those words was the guy you've been hanging out with since sophomore year in college? And what if in the middle of the hearty laughs and the girls mercilessly attacking their bentous with chopsticks, you have him eating his california maki and exclaiming once again that he was on a diet?

Something has to be wrong with the alignment of the stars...

My friends and I have been living in single land and there really isn't anything wrong with that but it becomes an entertaining topic for conversation when people start to consider separating from the group hoping upon hope Mr. Right comes knocking.

Boy did that get lots of laughs.

Two people (I being one of them) started plotting how we should get boyfriends already since our 20th birthdays were about a month away. Some had more time than the others and one passed by the mark. And then you have him say once again, "Once you set deadlines it's never going to happen. These things come naturally."

I repeat. Something has to be wrong with the world.

The girls eat like guys, the guy is on a diet. He checks his reflection way too many times to count, the girls hardly find time or actually have the interest to fish out their mirrors. He has a boyfriend, the girls are all single.

I just love how life can be this ironically amusing.

the world is in shambles

Seven girls went down on their bentous as if these bentous were enemies of the night, mercilessly sticking their chopsticks anywhere where food is. They laughed boisterously and hummed Arashi's "Love so Sweet" and cursed Jun's nasal voice as the music floated in the air. They were the typical Korean drama heroines---underfed pigs who chomped on their food as if there is no tomorrow. The eighth member of the 'biscuit gang', on the other hand, delicately chewed on his California Maki with his head down.

"Is that you're all gonna eat?" The seven girls asked in wonder, staring at his 8-piece California Maki accusingly.

"I'm on a diet." He said softly as the seven girls watched him with varying expressions of amusement and frustration on their faces.

I repeatedly poked my tonkatsu feeling frustrated and amused at the same time, as his words echoed ominously inside my head. It was as if, I was walking upside down, or more correctly, living upside down.

The past few days seemed unreal to us---perhaps it was only the darkness and the shadows of the night that scared the reality away. Just the other night, his boyfriend came to fetch him and send him home and Nicole, Ana and Meg stood by their side looking like Joshua's personal body guards. I remember raising my oreo in toast to their relationship---just as we do an oreo toast for everything that we should celebrate.

There was only one implication of that: we're all the thorns and he's the only rose. Just because, he's on a diet and we're not [we're generally unconscious of what, how, where and when we eat], he's got a boyfriend and we have none [and we're already nearing 20], he's quiet and we're boisterous [too boisterous to invade the whole of Tokyo Tokyo] and he checks his appearance twice in an hour when we check ours five times in 24 hours.

Him being "that way" or whachamacallit has never been an issue with us, or more correctly, accepting it came naturally like when he said, "My boyfriend is coming" in a very casual manner as if it was an everyday thing. I personally don't have the proper term to call his "that way" tendencies because I have been oriented that gays in the Filipino society "cross-dress" and "acts ten times bitchier" than the average girl is. I may be stereotyping but every gay I meet in the street does those Pinoy criteria I just mentioned. Or maybe, I just haven't met his category.

There have been many write-ups regarding how closet gays actually feel when the society ostracize them for swerving. But for people like us----not the general women population----I think it must be taken in consideration that we can accept and support them as long as they don't make a big issue out of it. We understand that there is fear because we know that fear is a natural emotion when someone thinks there's "something wrong" wijavascript:void(0)th him. But there are always people who are ready to accept and support.

You know we luuuuuurve you.

A completely different love situation plus oreo love

Last night's dinner was fun. No, it was the superlative of that.The feeling was super refreshing. Eating with the gang is always an affair to remember. Never in my life I have experienced this kind of happiness with my friends.

We were talking about the love sitution of our group: How ironic that the only rose among the thorns (Joshua being the rose), has a boyfriend and that the seven crazy fangirls have none. We have Raydon as our honorary member during that particular night, and though i was worried that he might not cope with our eating habits, i found out that he too has a big appettite and that he completely understands our fangirl world.

You see, we rarely talk about the situation of our hearts, because really, there is nothing to talk about. We were all walking on the singles lane, except Teresa and of course, Joshua. But, we don't really care about it. We are happy with one another and I joked that we might as well turn ourselves into lesbos!

Most of us are turning 20, and right now, I am worrying whether or not I would have a boyfriend before my time expires. We set deadlines to this problem, but Joshua said something about not giving yourselves deadlines.

I love my friends and I see myself growing up in this friendship. We all raise one another with love and with respect. People might see me differently and I have no problems with that. As long as the 8 of them knows the real me, I am completely okay with that.

Casualty of War

2008-06-29T09:36:00.000+08:00

Rain is pouring
Winds are howling
A storm is rushing in
I do not know where I have been

Huge raindrops crashing into a crooked pink line
The pavement moving, swallowing everything in its path
Yesterday's lunch, left forgotten - floating memories
Darkness completely overpowering the sun

For 19 years, the rain was my best friend
Sheltering me from all the pain that has come my way
Hiding the tears I shed and even my insecurities
Come to think of it, it was my only friend - it left me

Others have enjoyed you, used you, loved you
But why only now? I have been waiting for you
But the ties that you had won't easily be forgotten
For years you have served another master, and you to me had only been a day

Murky brown water greeted me as I descended
For a minute it provided comfort, cool and warm at the same time
But suddenly it stripped me bare, leaving me vulnerable
The security blanket I've set up quickly ebbed away

Jealousy, Anger, and the feeling of Betrayal
The rain couldn't conceal it, not now when all my defenses are down
I was a little red-lipped porcelain doll, fragile, precious
Caught in-between a bitter battle of ex-lovers, red-alert: I'm in danger

Confused, I ran away as far and as fast as my feet can take me
The rain greeted me, "where have you been?" as if nothing happened at all
The swirl of emotions I couldn't take
Most especially the feeling of Jealousy, Anger, and Betrayal my friend gave me

Short Shorts

2008-06-29T09:33:00.003+08:00

Kuko

Ang halik mo ang siyang lumalaplos sa aking pagkatao ngunit walang araw ang lumipas na hindi ko hinahanap ang dampi ng iyong mapupulang labi sa aking katawan. Hindi mapantayan ang kakaibang ligaya na nadarama sa tuwing naglalakbay ang iyong dila sa aking kaibuturan. Ako’y napapakapit na lamang sa takot na bigla nalang mahulog sa aking kinahihigaan. Ang bakas ng aking mga kuko sa iyong likuran ang tanging manipestasyon ng aking pagmamahal na pawang nalunod sa mga ungol na umaagos sa aking bibig, paraan ko ng pagsabi ng mahal kita.

Ang Pangako

Napatitig ako sa iyong mga mata sa huling pagkakataon.

Papalayain na kita sa sakit na iyong nadarama.

Ako’y lalayo at iiwan ka nang mag-isa upang maibsan ang iyong mga problema.

Ang aking paglisan ang siyang papawi sa luha sa iyong mga mata.

Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata upang hindi masilayan ang iyong hinagpis at tinunton ko ang daan palabas.

Makalipas ang ilang taon ay nanumbalik ang ngiti sa iyong mga labi, may kinang uli ang iyong mga mata.

Masaya ako habang pinagmamasdan kita sa di-kalayuan.

Tandang-tanda ko pa ang ating sumpaan.

“Til death do us apart…”

I Pity You (A poem for someone)

2008-06-29T09:20:00.003+08:00

A shitty 5-minute poem

I pity the lush overgrowth

For they are deeply rooted to the ground

I pity the winged creatures

For they are damned to fly about

I pity the wild animals

For they are slain and skinned

I pity the denizens of the deep

For they swim endlessly still

Lastly, I pity myself

For having brought this up

But only I can silence myself

So would you please just shut up?

Like a marionette on a string

People dancing to the music’s sting

Unaware of emotions

Stop and heed my cautions

You’re doomed to follow things

Forever condemned to obey

Unless you spread your wings

Much to other people’s dismay

This is a wake-up call

There is no politics included at all

It’s time to open your eyes

And see how much time flies

1 message received

2008-06-29T09:18:00.005+08:00

"Nainlove ka sa ibA? Bat d m cnbi skn? Joshua, mahal na mahal kta,"

"Tangina, galit na galit ako pero d ko magawa dhl kslanan ko lahat to, ;'c tangina, bt b ko gnto,,"

"papayag ako, kht ilang ult m ko suntukin,, kung un lng mkktanggal ng galit m skn. Mahal ko"

"Asawa ko. .;'c patawarin m na ko, mahal na mahal kta, gago ako e. Parang awa m na, ggwn ko lht pra d na kta masaktan, patawad po,"

"wala, WALA kang maLi. . Ako ang tatanga tanga. . mahal na mahal kta,, d na lumipas ang oras na d kta naiicp, sobrang nagcc ako nung gnwa ko un. Sori at cnaktan na naman kta"

"Mahal ko, d ko kyang mawala ka. . ."

"Mahal na mahal kta wag mo ko iwan,"

These text messages made me cry today…

I love you, I'm sorry, I want us to stay this way for as long as we can...

Hold my hands... Don't let go... Stay with me tonight...

(Not necessarily arranged, I typed it in such a way to maximize the effect, but I typed it the way it was sent to me…

Me and Love

2008-06-29T09:15:00.002+08:00

This is the story of a boy

Who thinks he knows everything

About his own little world

And why his life is so miserable…

Nobody knows the reason behind each smile, the tear that falls down your eye every now and then, or even why a person wants to be loved.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” – Moulin Rouge

I think I have that already, but still there’s something that’s not right…

“I don’t want to be adored, I want to be loved.” – If Only

I’m looking for more, something that would last a lifetime…

“I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday.” – The Notebook

That’s why I’m hurting right now, I can’t even think straight…

“All I know is you’re beautiful.” – A Walk to Remember

"And I love you..." – nqa2nite

In LOVE

2008-06-29T08:27:00.001+08:00

I fall in love with the person, not the gender.

Am I a bisexual? Yes.

"I'm not GAY!" Quote me.

I can’t force myself to love someone who I’m not physically attracted to.

Don’t question my motives.

All I could give you is love.

It’s the greatest thing you’ll ever receive from me.

I love you more than I love myself.

I know it’s stupid, but that’s the truth even though I don’t want to admit it.

Blinded? I guess so.

Your face, your smile, and everything that you do captivated me.

I just wish it would last.

I’m willing to hold on, waiting for forever.

I love you.

Fetish

2008-03-14T17:08:00.004+08:00

Tulog na ang lahat at nagsisimula pa lang ang araw ko. Sabik na sabik na para bang nakulong sa seminary sa loob ng mahabang taon.
Ngayon lang ako napadpad sa bar. Kaya heto ako namamangha sa aking mga nakikita.
Wala pang sampung minuto ay nasa loob na ako ng isang maliit na bar, tagaktak ang pawis at yumuyugyog sa lakas ng tugtog. “Feed my fetish please, satisfy me babe…”
Sa dami ng tao napansin kong nakatitig ka sa akin. Unti-unti akong papalapit sayo na para bang may magnet na humihila sakin hanggat magkalapit na ang ating mga mukha.
Nilanghap ko ang ‘yong amoy at naramdaman ko ang init ng iyong hininga. At bigla mo nalang ako niyakap at hinalikan sa gitna ng rumaragasang alon ng mga tao.
Nag-iinit ako kahit full-blast na ang aircon pero hindi yon nakahadlang sa paglap-lap ko sayo. Hindi ako makapag-pigil kaya hinila kita papunta sa kubeta. At doon ikaw ay aking hinubaran para sambahin.
Hindi ko mapaliwanag ang nararamdaman kong kasiyahan habang hinahalikan mo ang aking katawan. Ang iyong mga kamay ay ayaw magpapigil at kung saan-saan na ito napupunta. Sinubukan kong pumikit ngunit hindi ko maiwasang hindi tumingin sa mga nanlilisik mong mga mata na para bang isang tigreng sabik sa laman. Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig pero pilit pa ring nakakatakas ang mga ungol at paghabol sa aking hininga.
Nakukuryente ako sa tuwing dinidilaan mo ang aking likuruan, sinisipsip ang aking laman na parang matamis na sorbetes malapit ng matunaw. Hindi mapantayan ang sarap na ipinadama mo sa akin ng gabing iyon. Eto ako ngayon, lagpak sa kama.
Nasilaw ako sa sinag ng araw. Medyo may hang-over pa ako sa mga nangyari kagabi. Gumulong ako sa kama at nakita ang isang pamilyar na mukha sa aking tabi. Ngumiti ka sakin at binati ako ng halik sa labi.
Hinalikan mo ako, pati ang leeg ko ay ginalugod mo ng dila pababa sa aking pusod habang nakatingin lang ka sakin. Bakas pa rin ang mukha ng tigreng sabik.
Napapikit ka at humikab. Umupo ka sa kama. May katahimikan.
“Uuwi na ako, hinahanap na ako ng aking asawa,” ang sabi ko sa lalake.

Bukang Liwayway or Break of Dawn

2008-02-21T21:28:00.014+08:00

Sa aking pag-iisa ako’y nagnilay-nilay
Napagtanto kong nagsimula lahat sa away
Mga problema ng aking mala-telanobelang buhay
Na nauwi sa paghahanap ng bukang liwayway

Hindi na ako ang bata na laging tumutulo ang laway
Isang musmos na walang kamalay-malay
Lumaki at hinasa ng dahil sa kasasaway
Tatahan lamang pag laruan ay ibinigay

Sawa na ako sa mga mahahabang galamay
Pag-aaruga ng mahigpit na nanay
Kaya eto ako sumabak sa paglalakbay
Sa mabilis na agos ng buhay ay sumabay

Tinabig ko ang yong marupok na saklay
Sa sahig ay pinabayaang nakahandusay
Pinagtawanan at iniwang mag-isa ang pilay
Ang makita kang umiiyak ako ay sanay

Galit ay namuo sa aking mga kamay
At naudyok akong pumatay
Ang dating lantang gulay
Isa na ngayong malamig na bangkay

Ang pag-sisisi sa alambre ay isinampay
Kasiyahan natagpuan sa araw-araw na pagtagay
Kasama ang mga kaibigan at tapat na alalay
Ang pagsasaya ay walang humpay

Napawariwara man ako sa simbahang gumagabay
Ngayon ay nagbabalik sa pangakong mag-aalay
Upang marating ang tunay na kasiyahang taglay
Ng isang magandang bukang liwayway

The story behind the poem

My professor for rhetoric, Mr. Eros S. Atalia, a Filipino author and professor at the University of Santo Tomas, asked us to create a “tugmaan” or a poem with rhyme about love in time for Valentine’s Day or whatever ridiculous idea we might come up with. At first I was hesitant, I just survived a very bad break-up, so I wrote an anger-filled poem. After presenting it in front of the class I just knew that I needed to change it because it has no impact, so I did. After pondering in the middle of a crowded church, inspiration strikes.

The poem is entitled “Bukang Liwayway” or the Break of Dawn. It’s about a teenager who wants to find the meaning of happiness that he never experienced under the hands of his overprotective mother. He chases the break of dawn, because of his desire to be free but in the process killing his mother because of years worth of grudges that he couldn’t contain. At first he refuses to admit the error of his ways but he soon realizes that by learning how to forgive and by admitting his mistakes can he find true happiness that he has been looking for.

My professor praised me for my work and even my friends acknowledged it as beautiful but very disturbing because of the death portrayed in it. All in all, I’m happy because it turned out good.

Photo credits:

Model: ME

Photographer: Jose Miguel Reyes, classmate, friend, and my comrade

July 2007